The people continued to sing their love to God. My eyes were wide as I watched them pour out their lives before their God. My heart beat loudly in my chest. Nervously I fidgeted with my hands. Tugging at my clothes. Cooly moving my fingers through my hair. Something was happenign to me and I couldn't understand what. All weekend the preacher would stop mid-sentence and declare, "There is someone here who needs to get their life right with Christ!" And each time I felt as though his eyes bore into mine. Surely he didn't mean me, ...did he?
But there was no denying anymore what this was doing to me. The world how I knew it was turning upside down. My comfortable existence of curling into a ball of self-hate and self-pity was being shaken. The... love?... that I could feel in this room was messing with me. It felt charged and alive, it made my skin crawl, it made me want to run away. I wasn't used to this. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. But at the same time, it was like a drug- powerful and addictive. One taste of it and it caused a hunger to arise in me. A hunger to want to find life and freedome and love. But how!? How do I get what these people have?
The answer occurred to me as they began to sing a Name with such sweet assurance.
Jesus was the answer. He was the answer.
Suddenly I felt all dizzy, I felt like a blindfold was taken off my eyes. Jesus. Quietly, afraid that somehow the people would hear me above the music, I whispered His Name. Jesus.
The song that was playing came to a soft hum. The singers on stage stood in silence, the keyboard and guitar played softly in the background. I held my breath as I wondered what was about to take place next. And suddenly, as if a violent earthquake erupted, the people began to shout praises. Sing their own song. Tears were being cried. People fell on their knees in surrender.
How do I get to this place? I thought. How do I find Jesus? How do I become one of these?
As if on cue, the people came to a stand still once again. Looking at the stage I watched as one of the singers looked to the heavens, bright eyed, bright smiles, shining... And they begin to sing a song that forever changed the course of my destiny.
Here I am waiting... They sing softly. A well of emotions found itself in my throat. Abide in me I pray... Here I am longing... For you...
Was this what it was? A longing? A desperation? A cry of my soul?
Bring me to my knees... May I know Jesus... More and More... The walls broke as they declared this song. I felt as though my heart was breaking, tears crawled its way down my face. Yes, YES! This is what I want! I want to know Jesus more and more...
And with everything I had, with all the strength I could muster, I raised my hands in the air as an act of surrender. Taking a deep breath, I began to sing the next words with all the love and all the meaning and everything that I was. All of me. Die to self.
Come live in me... All my life... My voice broke as I sang. Take over... Come breathe in me...And I will rise.. On Eagles Wings...
And in a moment I felt the love of Christ surge through my body. A heaviness and a depression lifted off my shoulders. Suddenly I felt so light, I felt so peaceful, I felt so... fullfilled. It felt as if I was caked in mud, and I was standing under a waterfall feeling the relief as the mud washed off. But it was on the inside. Where there was hate, I felt a love grow through my bones. Where there was sadness, I felt an indescribable joy leap through my body. A smile formed at my lips, laughter bubbled out of my mouth.
For the first time in years, I felt alive! I felt as though life was worth living. I felt an incredible love to these people and to God. It was the beginning of an adventure...