Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas. Bit late, I know. But I've been away the past few days at my second home
by the ocean. We had Christmas lunch in my parents new house, right on the beach.
Despite the cold weather and storm clouds it was absolutely delightful. I would
like to tell you about all my family antics, the wondeful presents I received (new camera!), delicious roast lunch (and seafood... mmm prawns... the next day!), and the wondeful revelation that God showed me late christmas night!
However, I have other things in mind today.
To be honest, I'm struggling to concentrate. I'm back at work, sitting at my desk, office empty, absolute silence. It's just me in the building.
I've been feeling terribly lonely lately. Waking up to an empty home (on christmas morning too!) doesn't help either. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people around me. But things just don't feel right right now. I don't want to talk to my closest friends about it. I'm just confused. A little bit annoyed. As I was driving to work this morning I was getting so cut up with myself. My lack of communication skills. Ah yes, people would look at me and observe me and think I'm an excellent communicator. Loud, outgoing, social. But I never can express what I'm really thinking or what I'm really feeling. It's strange because in highschool I was a public speaking champion and a debating legend. In University my friends would applaud me as a do my presentations, drawing in the crowd, being awarded with a High Distinction.
It's almost like I'm little again. Most of my childhood was spent in speech therapy. When I was young the one thing that never formed in me was speech. Oh, I could mumble. Make a few grunts. But words would never leave my mouth. So, I quickly became a freak to many people. Or that's how I felt. Never being understood. THINKING that you are communicating something, only for people to stare at you blankly. I used to hate the speech therapist. They'd treat me like an animal. Or like I was dumb. Often I would sit in the waiting room plotting a plan to let them think that even more. Just for humour I suppose. In primary school the older boys would yell at me "TWENTY CENTS, TWENTY CENTS. SAY TWENTY CENTS!" I would stare at them, grit my teeth, take in a breath, and try and say "twenty cents" for them. The result would be laughter, a twenty cent coin being tossed at my head, and the boys running off.
Even now I avoid saying that dreaded word, twenty.
Alot of the time when I'm talking I have to think about what I'm saying next, I have to consciencly decide how to place my tounge and bring forth a word. Sometimes I plan my sentences so I can avoid words such as already mentioned twenty (sucks when you're twenty-two), and ask. I hate the word ask.
Anyways, I'm off on a tangent. The point of all this was... I had a phone conversation last night. There was so much I wanted to say. But words were lost. So much is in my heart that I want to communicate, but they feel forgotten. Instead I sit there in silence. I listen, I agree, I nod my head. Why is it that when I want to say something I cannot? That's why I like writing, it gives you the opportunity to say everything you want to say (but even then I struggle!). I want to share what I really feel but I can't. It's driving me insane. This phone conversation, there was nothing wrong with it, it was a great conversation... but again, I was lost for words to express what I really felt.
I feel like that little child again. Wanting to communicate, but having no words to communicate with.
Labels: Friends, Me